"Disturbia," or "An Account Of An Epic Battle Between Man And Nature"

last night, i went to a hookah bar.

not alone, naturally; some friends had bought two hookahs and were passing the hoses around. one actually paid me a dollar to get me to drive out there and join them. :-) drole and unfulfilling as the tobacco has always been, i puffed it down dispassionately and saved my greed for inhaling the pleasure of their company. soon i was lazily soaring amongst the exhaled vapors that spiraled beyond the black of the midnight sky.

until surprised shouts and the splatter of water on pavement attracted my attention.

someone had found a frog relaxing on a cobblestone, possibly enjoying secondhand smoke. the discoverer of said amphibian, in his determination to display his dominance over nature, had been the source of that kerfluffle that distracted we smokers from our socializing.

now, here was a man in his mid-thirties, who had apparently grown weary of the leftist propaganda which declares that we of the species homo sapiens have a derelict duty to defend and even doctor our animalian brethren of earth. from his actions, i deduced that he had long ago uncovered the terrible treachery of our conservationist-leaning citizens - they were spies. they sought to rid Earth of men and their straight-laced family values by discouraging admittedly random but entirely couth acts of discrimination and violence, and replace the good denizens of America with stepfordian hippie robots! this intrepid soldier of humanity about whom i tell these tales immediately rejected the brainwashing of PETA and declared himself a vigilante against all bestial usurpers of Man's Worldly Throne, and that included preventing the hookah-loving frog from undermining mankind by infiltrating America's youth!

i deduced this, because only such a backstory as epic and obviously heroic as that could explain what he did next.

unsheathing water from the plastic bottle-shaped container in which he carried it (by way of cap-twistation) this Knight Of Man reacted to that slimy sight with battle-honed reflexes; he took his flask in his mighty fist, raising it above his shoulder, and tilted it a sweeping 180 degrees! as God had flooded the world to rid it of people-vermin, so our fantastical protagonist flooded the sidewalk.

the frog jolted under the assault, twitching this way and that. our hero was ever-cunning, however, and shook his canteen, in a long, decided motion, and the water scattered on the ground like machine-gun artillery. the frog, that vile, pestilent purveyor of doom, was instantly surrounded. it slipped, crashing sideways into the jagged cement, flailed desperately for a few moments, then was engulfed by the rising tide. peace was once again restored to the universe, and the relieved chatter of satisfied youth drowned out the final keening of that amphibious anathama.